labor nurse has been reborn and shares her experiences as a new nurse-midwife, woman, and blogger

Friday, August 10, 2007

Troll Baby


Think that ugly babies don’t exist? Think again. There is plenty of them, and I think I have seen the ugliest of them all. The ugliest baby was born well before I even graduated from nursing school…yet I remember this baby as if it were yesterday. (Sorry I am referring to this baby as “it” but I can’t remember if it was a boy or girl).

Think troll. Thick black long hair stuck straight up as if it was just twirled between someone’s hands like one of those troll doll pencils. Think squat little hairy creature. Big flat ears that came out at the sides. And it’s parents weren’t ugly. Go figure.

There have been others that are not so attractive, but in general I find really big babies unattractive. Typically babies over 9lbs just don’t do it for me. It’s like giving birth to a 2 or 3 month old. And an eleven pounder? Call the pre-school! Most of these large babies look like little obese people. Babies shouldn’t resemble obese adults.

The most recent large baby I cared for weight in at 11lbs 10oz. His face actually wasn’t fat looking, but the rest of him was obscene. His thighs were as thick as my forearms. His fingers looked like pigs in a blanket (the cocktail wieners). His abdomen was big and round like he’d been guzzling beers for 9 months. And he was covered in dark black hair. Needless to say, he was the talk of the unit for a while.

(photo credit)

14 comments:

AtYourCervix said...

::snort::

You're funny!

Awesome Mom said...

Aww don't be too harsh on over ten pounders. Both of my boys were over ten pounds and I don't think that they looked too horrible (I have baby pictures if you wish to see for yourself). I think what really kept them cute as babies was the fact that while they were huge at birth they did not stay on the high end of the growth curve. There is a massive baby in my church that I can't stand to look at. He has jowls and everything. Very non cute and quite scary looking.

Joyce said...

Just remember that to the parents, their baby is the most beautiful in the world. When my son was born, I overheard a nurse call him a either a bastard or a son of a bitch (can't remember back that well) because he cried looking for a bottle all the time when he was in the nursery (he was over 9 pounds and absolutely beautiful). Unfortunately, the nurse didn't realize that baby's mother was standing right at the nursery window looking in. It made me feel really bad.

Labor Nurse said...

Joyce, 27 years ago when you had that 9+pounder babies were only allowed to eat every 4 hours, and only given an ounce of formula. Your 9+pounder would have done much better today because babies feed "on demand". But that still wasn't nice of the nurse (not to mention you had to see your baby through the nursery window). And I can say that your 9 pounder was one of the exceptions, he was cute.

newmom said...

was the baby fat for a reason? was the mother obese? do you see more obese babies from obese mothers? or was this baby just big? (my mother made 4 10lb+ babies and we're all very tall and very thin).

Labor Nurse said...

newmom, if you are asking about that 11lb 10oz baby: the mom was average sized. No diabetes, no history of big babies.

Many times obese women have larger babies, or larger babies are a product of diabetes. And sometimes its genetic.

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ornery dandelion said...

Yes, there are most definitely ugly babies!

When I worked in the nursery, we would stick little bows in the hair of all the little girl babies. If the baby was cute, I'd put on one bow. If she were ugly, I'd try to compensate with 2 bows:)

Anonymous said...

i wonder what you look like talking about innocent babies how do we know u dont look like a troll or a pig's ass so before u talk about some one elses kid look at ur self up and down if u can and ur not too fat

Labor Nurse said...

Anonymous, wow, I guess I struck a nerve with you. But, I will be the first to point out my physical flaws, so don't worry. I lean towards the pig ass :p

Ethel said...

Okay, I have been enjoying going backwards through your blog but damn! Both my boys were 9lbs 6oz and 10lbs 5 oz (2nd VBAC) and I guarantee you they were both the most beautiful babies on the floor each time (and there were several on the floor, and I was told by the post-partum nurses). Neither were fat (22" and 23" respectively), neither had thick long hair or big ears sticking out of the sides of their head. Nor were my sibs and I, we all were from 9 lbs 8oz to almost 12 lbs, we were all long and relatively lean (all over 21" long to 23").

Perhaps you mean uncontrolled eating during the last trimester babies? Mom's who didn't control their gestation diabetes? Because, for us, at 4 months our kids grow out of their Snugrides into convertible car seats, have parents ask what kindergarten they're in when they're not quite 3, and for us, a 7 lb baby is premature.

Sigh, maybe we're just giants in a miniature world. It is true that when I say someone is short they're usually average....

Labor Nurse said...

Ethel, I've seen big babies that didn't fit the "troll" description. One turned out quite well, in fact, at 6'3"...my brother. And I have seen babies such as you describe yours. There are babies that fit well into their larger than average weight. But for the most part, these big babies are not attractive, much like the baby in the picture.

Anonymous said...

I think that you are a disgusting nurse.. You must be one disgusting fat bitch! Get a life, and stop talking shit on babies... what a lame ass nurse! I wouldnt want your fat ass anywhere near me or my child!

Anonymous said...

I think that you are a disgusting nurse.. You must be one disgusting fat bitch! Get a life, and stop talking shit on babies... what a lame ass nurse! I wouldnt want your fat ass anywhere near me or my child!