labor nurse has been reborn and shares her experiences as a new nurse-midwife, woman, and blogger

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Losing My Religion

The following post was written a little while ago, and I hesitated posting it. But the crux of what I am saying here still rings true for me. I feel like there is something missing....I just don't know what. I've come up with a few theories as to why I feel like I've lost my "spunk", for lack of a better term, here on REBIRTH. It could be that school has bogged me down, it could be my disappointment in having to start REBIRTH in the first place, or it could be that I've run out of things to say. Eh... nix the last one. But because I have been thinking about what that something may be for a while now, I thought I'd post this for some feedback.

So I was talking with my husband tonight. No, that’s not the point I was going to make. We talk all the time, or shall I say he talks all the time. You’d be surprised how quiet I am compared to him.

Anyhow, so I was talking with my husband tonight and he tells me that he thinks this blog is a bad idea. He loves the blog, however, but the threats I received with the Life & Times made him change his mind about the health care blogosphere. It’s changed how I view it as well.

Something isn’t right with Rebirth. It doesn’t have the same feeling of excitement for me as Life & Times did. I enjoy writing just as much as ever, but the innocence has been taken away. It pisses me off, frankly. It’s like finding out Santa is your mother. You knew that the writing on the tags looked just like your mother’s, but it just had to be true! You heard the whisperings of Rudolph being just a cartoon, but that nose so bright is illuminating your window at night. And then, the reality sets in. Your mother bought those presents, and that half eaten apple on the front lawn next to the hoof prints in the snow was courtesy of your father…not Rudolph. Drat!

But you still get presents just the same.

My husband asked, “Why are you blogging? Why can’t you just write offline? There is no risk in that.”

“The principle of free speech,” I answer.

“There is no such thing,” he said. And I know he is right. And this pisses me off, too. Yes, I can say whatever I want here, but at the possible cost of my career. That isn’t really free, is it?

I also went on about why I started blogging in the first place, my need to get women thinking about the care they receive, ask questions, and start a revolution and the like. You know, simple stuff. I also need to vent. Writing my frustrations about my work and life seems so much easier than talking about it. Who wants to hear me talking about this all the time? It’s so much easier to write something and let it go, and those who want to read it will visit. Those who don’t have the choice not to visit.

Again, nothing is that simple.


pixelrn said...

There seems to be a lot of existential crises in the blogosphere lately, so I am not at all surprised to read this post.

There is a BIG difference between writing things that people actually read (online), and writing things offline, that no one will see unless you get published. In the latter case, it is like writing in a vaccuum, which is very unsatisfying. I say keep on blogging, as long as it is fun for you. If it ceases to be enjoyable then definitely take a break.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

I am sorry you are feeling so "off" about this blog. I have been a reader for some time. I suppose I did not realize the extent you were threatened and bullied at the other site. I hope you continue to blog only if it makes you happy, if you get some sort of peace of mind. I would hate to see you go offline, but you have to do what is right for you and your family. I hope you can find the solution that works best for you. Hugs.

Wabi said...

I love medblogs, but I do think it's such a delicate line you have to walk in order to ensure it doesn't inadvertantly blow up in your face. Since you got something of a taste of the dark side of blogging on "Life and Times," maybe the "off" thing you are feeling is yourself holding back on certain topics? Holding your tongue takes effort.

I don't have a solution to this, just musing on what might be "off" for you.

Sheridan said...

I enjoy your blog, I have learned a lot and share what I learn with the pregnant moms I teach. (real life stories of what happens on L& D floors) an insiders view. It reminds me how much I need to teach these moms and empower them.
I hope you continue to share and inspire!

Betsy B. said...

I'm so sorry blogging at your old site caused you to feel threatened. I contacted a few management people where I work and asked them to look at mine and to see what they think. I also have a PR person from the hospital looking right now as well, as I want to make sure they are okay with what I'm doing. Have you thought of that? It takes the stress off me and lets them make the decisions. I want to do what is best for my career as well.

Andrea said...

I'm a newish reader, so I have no idea what went on with your old site. This blog has been great for me; to see a nurse, soon-to-be midwife state the things I believe in about birth. To know there are medical professionals out there that believe that birth is a normal, natural process that sometimes messes us...this gives me hope. I am a pre-nursing student that hopes to be a L&D nurse that will stand up for a woman's right to birth naturally (if desired), or to help her make informed and knowledgeable choices.

Your voice needs to be have an inside view to all that is wrong with the standard medicalized birth. I hope you continue this blog.

Kristina said...

I never read "Life and Times", but I can't imagine it being any better than this one. I really love it here. :) Thanks for being here and being part of the revolution...

ellen dee said...

I followed you here from Life & Times. I've been in L&D for a little over two years, and am starting midwifery school in March. (I hope, my interview is in three weeks.) I relish your stories, your tidbits for laypersons/expectant moms, your rants about various things. You often echo what's in my head. I am lucky to have found your blog.

Labor Nurse said...

Thanks everyone for your comments.

Ellen Dee, congrats on choosing midwifery! I wish you luck! Where will you be going?

Anonymous said...

Hi, I've been lurking around your blog and followed you here from L&D. I feel so bad for whatever happended with your previous blog. No one deserves to be harrassed for speaking their observations and beliefs. I do hope that you continue to blog as long as it doesn't cause unnecessary trouble in your life. For whatever it is worth, I read your L&D post about epidurals when I was pregnant with my son (my first) and I'm glad to say that it started me on an eye opening information search. In the end, I chose to have my baby with a CNM and am so, so thankful that I had an empowering birth experience. Thank you for your words - they do have a very real, positive effect.