labor nurse has been reborn and shares her experiences as a new nurse-midwife, woman, and blogger

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Days Off

I have been finding my days off, be it a true day off or post call day, go by so quickly that they aren't enough. I feel the need to sleep in late, yet if I do I feel like I've cut off so much of my time off. I dread the sun going down and the need to start dinner because it means the day is coming to a close.

I fantasize about having chosen a different path in life. Like, had I stuck to writing like I wanted to when I was a kid and through most of high school, perhaps I could have been writing for money and not need to be awake at 24 hour intervals once or twice a week. I could have structured my day around going to the gym, running errands, and just flat out getting shit done so nothing ever feels like it is hanging over my head for days or weeks at a time. Like the tub would get cleaned even before the algae or mold or whatever that stuff is that seems to find it's way onto the tub walls.

Or perhaps I should have been fine with mediocrity and stayed a bedside labor nurse. I could do a few shifts a week, and go home with nothing following me like following up on labs, making sure someone shows up for their very important lab work because you think you might be dealing with an early ectopic pregnancy, or second guess that the meds you just started on someone was the right choice. I'd not be expected at every single freaking departmental meeting despite the fact I'd not gotten more than 15 minutes of sleep on my call shift and all I want to do is go home and curl up in my bed. Instead, if I worked through the night I could have just given report by morning and gone home.

But, that's not what I wanted. I keep reminding myself of this, even on my days off.


minoritymidwife said...

(hugs) What you do is important, rebirth. I am enjoying a cushy schedule, a fantastic salary, and phenomenal coworkers. I love what I do. But still, every now and then, the women and the bellies call my name.

I wish you restful sleep and longer hours on your days off,

Ciarin said...

There are growing pains when you become a midwife. There will be times when you question what you are doing. I just can't picture myself doing anything else, I love what I do. But there are times when I get frustrated or upset, we all do. Hang in there, if you love midwifery. If you don't, then do some soul searching about what will make you happy.

NemiOnIce said...

While these kinds of thoughts are things we will all tell ourselves from time to time, I'm certainly grateful for what you do, blog & career! I am a doula, have a degree in developmental child psychology and I gave birth to my first child, a son, eleven weeks ago. I thought I knew everything there was to know about having a baby because I had been soaking up every bit of information on the subject for at least six years. But reading your blog gave me the courage to let go of some of my idealistic expectations for something more realistic in regards to a hospital birth, and helped me to understand why when things didn't go my way. Understanding more about birth from a labor nurse who actually works in that environment every day helped me to advocate for myself and speak to my own nurses on an intelligent level during my own 44 hour labor and delivery. Your words had a real impact on my birth experience and, though I have never met you, I will always remember the positive influence you had on my son's delivery!

Labor Nurse, CNM said...

Nemionice- thank you so much for your comment. Just what I needed to hear!