labor nurse has been reborn and shares her experiences as a new nurse-midwife, woman, and blogger

Monday, September 20, 2010

The Embers

I've been contemplating whether or not to continue this blog- I took the hiatus for an undetermined amount of time, and found that about once a month I'd think- "Hey! This would make for great blog fodder!" but never really end up putting anything together.

Am I still burnt?


Have I become jaded?

Well, yes...but I wasn't exactly sure I was going to enter midwifery feeling like I was going to single-handedly change the system. What I found myself most surprised by was (and still do!) how overwhelmingly powerful The Man really is. And as a woman who hopes to need maternity care some day (hang with me, people...), this has became even more disconcerting.

The fire in my belly has been tamped down to a few tiny damp embers... I've kept up with only a few blogs on maternity care because reading anything that seemed full of the The Man's mission- or even just hints of it- causes me so much distress and anxiousness that I just don't bother.

I've tried to narrow down why exactly I've been feeling this way, and it comes down to the sheer fact that I feel like a professional failure. I have not affected maternity care in the way I was hoping. I've attended wonderful births, had prenatal visits with women and families that were empowering, but in a system that has continued to marginalize midwifery.

I have been toying with the idea of returning to nursing, but that would just solidify what the complete opposite of what I wish would happen for maternity care- and ultimately women and their babies. Not to mention how difficult it would be to go back to labor nursing- having to follow orders by obstetricians who overuse intervention, watch that cascade of interventions spiral out of control...with little power to affect it.

But I keep doing what I've been doing now for some time: I get up every morning, and I go to work. I take care of women and their families.